Work

Today marks the beginning of my second week as a divorce lawyer's personal assistant. I have to say its pretty ugly. I can tune out most of it - the office is quiet, I typically just answer phones, take messages, make copies, print emails, fax stuff - but as soon as I start reading things, being my nosy self, my heart just aches. How do people live with such anger, bitterness, vindictiveness? It makes me want to never get married, thinking, could that be me? could I become that?

Leaving is like getting out of someone else's nightmare - I can't help thinking of the people I leave behind as soon as I can. Where is the spirit of repentance? Where is reconciliation? Where is God in this hateful mess of suffering kids and wounded people isolating themselves from God, from everyone, from love with their anger? Has anyone ever asked for forgiveness? Has anyone ever stopped keeping score of all the old injustices to seek a new time of peace?

Cari said something the other day that was really profound (big surprise!). She said she wants to live a life towards people, even people that have hurt us, stolen things from us. Even people who haven't been towards us and never want to be. I don't know how to do this, to always be leaning closer to each other in love, but I think that this being towards people has a lot to do with bowing. We bow to recognize God in that other person. We bow to recognize that person's invaluable, incalculable worth. We bow to say, I am your servant, let me wash your feet.

What if we were all living in this mutual love and respect, affirming one another and calling goodness out of each other?

What does it mean for me to live towards God?

I don't know. Lots of questions, few answers. I think I am going to try to be more conscious of this as I move around my little world, "walking softly and bowing often" as Mary Oliver would say.